Wulf's Pawprints

Stalking my voice.

Monday, July 25, 2005

THE FLAWLESS JOB INTERVIEW

Recently I have found myself in a position where I am whoring my body for financial gain. A practice made acceptable by the euphemism 'Looking for employment'. I am researching this subject to accelerate my re-entry into the ranks of the living. This artform as far as can establish at this early stage in my downwardly mobile lifestyle involves assurances of the mastery of basic personal hygene coupled with evidence of ability to not pilfer office stationary supplies nor make the people presently employed there look like the incompetent unemployables that they really are.

To this end, I have prepared an interview script that is sure to garner me the recognition I so deeply deserve.

Q: Why did you decide to apply for this position?

Principally because though I have made a concerted effort to develop a liking for Home Brand cat food and stale bread from the supermarket dumpster my stomach is trying to assasinate me by the means of foul regurgitation at the meal times.

Q: What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My strenghts are an as follows; exemplary ability to bullshit. I rock at doing jack shit whilst looking extremely productive. I can knock off 3 cones of weed and a pint of beer at lunchtime and you would not be able to tell at the after lunch meeting. As to my weaknesses, I'd be a dumb shit if I tell you, would't I? Even assuming I tell you enough bullshit for you to give me this piss ant job, you will use that information against me as soon as you possibly can to make yourself look good/cover your own fuckup.

Q: How are you qualified for this position?

Right. For you to ask me this question shows that like everyone else, you do not believe a word I have written on my Resume. Well, to cut a long story short, I can roll a mean joint, have the ability to procure consumer quantities of recreational drugs without being arrested, hotwire a car and bed a chick on the first date. In case these important and in my view cruicial criteria do not convince you of my suitability for this as you call it, position, I have other commercial skills.
Amongst these I count the ability to use creative accounting to cover unauthorised financial transactions, an uncanny ability to use office gossip to build my power base as well as use my links to the criminal underworld to cover the few office scenarios where my wit and skills fail and I need to cause grevious bodily harm to my cow-orkers or hide bodies.

Q: How would you describe your leadership style?

I let my previous accomplishments speak for themselves. Around my neck, I wear a necklace of dried earlobes of my previous cow-orkers who have crossed me in the past. Let it not be said though that I am an unreasonable man! Examine each earlobe. See? Each earlobe has a bite mark missing. You get one fair warning!
Just do as I say and you will be fine mate!

Q: How would you rate your communication skills?

Though my throat is full of bile as I try not to vomit looking at your repulsive, remedial education spawned face, I am able to maintain a superior smirk. A sign of my vastly superior intellect and a self control.
Specifically, I inspire obedience and submission in subordinates and the laughably termed 'superiors' with communicating my intention to cause grevious bodily harm. Though usually this is not necessary since I make thinly veiled allusions to revealing their deep personal secrets I acquire via a sophisicated personal intelligence network of cameras, microphones and personal observation after hours.

Q: What appeals to you about this position?

The receptionist. Big arse and big boobs. Yeah, I wanna do her. Sweet piece of arse.
Also, I recon I can lie low here for a couple of weeks until they stop looking for me after I umm... quit my last job.

Q: Why did you leave your previous employment?

Next question please.

Q: Do you plan to continue your education?

Yeah, sure. There are still some positions I havn't tried. Must get that special seat with the suspension rig. I also hear most drugs can be made legal by subtly altering their molecular structure. You have a chemistry R&D department don't you?

Q: What motivates you?

Large, heavy to lift sacks of unserialised bank notes.
Expectation of exotic sexual favours.
Also, if I can make my cow-orkers look like the clowns they really are, I will go that extra mile out of my way.

Q: Where do you see yourself in a years time?

Doing your job. I can tell just looking at you that you're not going to last a round against me of a friendly discussion we are going to have in the stationary store room.

Q: What experience did you have in using computers?

I know porn sites that would singe your store-room's staff eyebrows.
I know how to fake email so it looks like it came from someone else and I can hack your accounting system. I can also break a computer with a paper clip so I can get it upgraded before the next 10 year cycle.

Q: Describe a situation that put you under preassure, how did you respond?

I'm frosty man!
Nothing stresses me out. I cause stress in others.

Q: Describe how you prioritise assignments?

Well, the first step is to determine where I can gain most whilst doing the least.
If I have to do anything that can be generously termed 'work'. I push it onto my dumber cow-orkers. Second priority is whether any gains can be deposited into an offshore account. Third, is whether any wetwork is necessary.
I tend to delegate that because blood is shit hard to get out of clothing.

Q: Why do you think this firm should entrust you with this position?

Lets face it, you do not have much choice.
Relax man, what I mean is, no one would really want to work in this dead end, mind numbing, shit shoveling job. Would they? Not given the starvation wage you pay, the exploitative conditions and the depressive compulsive obsessive bastards working here.

Q: What are your three favourite books?

The white pages. Because its so versitile.
The horse racing almanach. Can't make a bet without it.
My little black book, it has served me well to remind me of people I need to sort out.

DISCLAIMER: The above is all fiction. I have never attended a job interview nor do I ever intend attending one. In fact, I have never worked. This is true. I may not even exist though that may be just a figment of my own imagination.

Friday, July 22, 2005

THE SAFE HOUSE

Once upon the time there lived farmer Jim.
Farmer Jim was a simple man. He knew simple things but he knew them well.
He knew how to farm, so he farmed and he had cows and sheep and chickens and he never went hungry.
He knew how to make hides and leather, and so he had made clothing and he never went cold.
He knew how to work wood so he had build a large wooden house with windows of glass and golden straw roof and a tall chimney.
Farmer Jim was very proud of his farm. Most of all, farmer Jim was proud of his house. It was large and safe.
When people passed by they said, look at that great house that farmer Jim build.
Farmer Jim was very happy.

Then one day things have changed.
A fox came and ate his best chickens.
This was bad. Farmer Jim had to do something to stop the Fox.
There was no more wood around because all the wood around was used up to build a house. True, there was a forest over yonder. But farmer Jim feared that if he were to ride that far, he would not get back before sundown and then the fox would get the rest of the chickens.

Farmer Jim was a simple man but he was a practical man.
He ripped out all the boards from the veranda and build a palisade fence around the chicken coop. This was a good thing, because it was only a small inconvinience and things would be more secure. Now the fox would not come for there were sharp spikes close together all around the chicken coop.

Farmer Jim was safe because he had a nice house and the chickens were safe too.

The next night farmer Jim heard terrible screams.
When he run into the night brandishing a fork, he saw many dark shadows.
There was a smell of death in the air.
Farmer Jim was a stout man but he was a sensible man too.
He went back into the safe house to wait till the sunlight chased the shadows away.
The light of the morning shone upon the farm but it was strangely silent.
Many creatures were dead.
Wolves had got inside the barn and ate his horse and his best cows.
This was very bad. Farmer Jim dragged the left over carcasses and burried them behind the barn.

Farmer Jim had a few cows and sheep left still and he was resolute that no more wolves would harm his animals. He took the windowpanes from the house and placed them in the simple windows of the barn. He took the boards from the roof of the now floor-less veranda and boarded up all the gaps in the big barns. Then he took the boards from the roof over the kitchen and boarded up the big barn doors.
This was a good thing, because it was only a small inconvinience and things would be more secure. Now the wolves would not get inside the barn.

Farmer Jim was very proud. His animals were now secure.
The wolves and foxes came at night but could not touch the animals.
Then one night, when farmer Jim all but forgot about the foxes and wolves there was ruckus behind the barn. When farmer Jim came out from his somewhat safe house, he saw a sight that made him clasp the fork he held with the iron grip of a man who sees death itself. There behind the barn there was a fierce brown bear. Tall as a house, with maw lined with big white teeth like nails that glowed in the night like the bones of the dead. The bear tore open the pit where farmer Jim burried the remains of animals the wolves killed. Whats worse, the bear made a big gashes, slash slash into the walls of the barn. Stout thought the barn was, it would not stand against the bears attention. Farmer Jim screamed at the bear. Farmer Jim would later retell this story and in the story the shout would be a fierce shout. But truth be told, it was a scream of fear. Though farmer Jim had the wits about him to throw the oil burning storm lamp he held at the bear. Burning oil scattered and orange flames danced about like summoned guards. The bear roared in annoyance and lumbered off into the night.
Farmer Jim once again triupmhed.

Farmer Jim was growing smarter now. The menace of the fierce creatures terrorising his safe farm had to stop. Fire worked well so farmer Jim resolved to stand guard at night with a fire burning to scatter the fierce animals. Farmer Jim stood guard.
Night after night fires burned and every creature was safe.
When wood for the stove run out, farmer Jim took one look at the wooden house.
It was not much to look at, the veranda was torn down, the roof half gone and windows stared back at him like the empty sockets of a skull.
It did not take long for farmer Jim to resolve to use what else he could of the wood remaining in the house for the guard fires keeping the animals for terrorising him and his animals. This was for the greater good and the safety of all.
Farmer Jim was safe.
Every night he sat in the warm orange glow of the planks of his safe house.

Soon, winter came and brought with it cold winds and rain that fell like a river from the sky. The safe house was no more. Farmer Jim grew ill for lack of shelter and had to go to the monastery over the river where kindly nuns nursed him to health.
When farmer Jim came back, the animals were gone. Thieves and fierce creatures took apart what was left of his farm.

Farmer Jim still tells this story. You can buy it for a jug of mead at the inn in town. For mead and memories are the only things that farmer Jim has now.
Memories of the safe house he had and how much safer he had made it to stop the terror.

Monday, July 11, 2005

FOR THE KING AND COUNTRY!

It is said that the world will end with a whimper not a bang. Sadly for fifty plus Londoners, their world had ended with a bang. Many more are injured, facing what for some may be devastating future, lifelong debilitating injuries.

There are those who will scream for more blood. Vengeful lashing out at anyone at other end of a video game sanitised destruction. A minute long bleep of destruction wiping out lives innocent or not in a land that most of us can not locate on a map. Packaged in patriotic colors, blood stirring music and glorious and just narrative. Squeezed in between the shampoo commercial that will fix your low self esteem and the gladiatorial games results.

I am uplifted by those, especially those of religious community who are advocating addressing the root causes of the violence. Initially I was heartened by Tony Blair, and our own wannabee leader, the Honourable Mr Costello saying those very words.
Problem can only be solved by addressing the roots. I was never yet let down by a politicians ability to dissapoint me and once again, on this occasion they came through with flying colors. The way to address the problem is to inflict democracy on the regimes. Little heed is given to the fact that the idea of democracy is an alien notion to these nations. The tribal and religious goverments will resist the imposition of democracy with the fervor that us, Westerners would resist Communism.
Much less the fact that to the outsiders we look extremely shaky lauding the benefits of democracy while actively supporting dictators like Sharif in Pakistan and the monarchy in Saudi Arabia.
Our credibility about the goverment by the people for the people looks laughable given facts like the 800 million in campaign donations by the drug industry in the US.

Blair and Costello talking about addressing the root of the problem is simply a codeword for more destruction and death in the name of our belief system. Our holy war, our own jihaad. We shall bring the holy flag of Democracy to others, even if we have to pin their still twitching body to the ground with it. For in the word of George W. Bush (never would think I would quote the man) 'Democracies do not make wars on their neigbours'. At the same time as the US and its 'coalition' is spending untold billions of hospital, infrastructure and education expenses on a wasteful war.

President Bush was positively gleeful after the explosions saying 'War on Terror goes on'. The man who asked 'Bring it on' and got it in spades could not be happier if he planned the explosion himself. A fanciful notion that some of the less cautious commentators have already picked up alleging a false flag attack. What better way to lift his sagging public opinion and diverting media attention (wait, what attention) from this smoking gun.

I am relieved that my friend M. who lives in London has escaped injury and the death toll was relatively low. I have a vague feeling of uneasy hearing proclamation of politicians, the queen included urging the massess to 'Show the terrorists we will not be cowered'. Urging the frontline charge of the bloody mass of humanity onto the railway stations that have become the frontlines of this 'Terror war'. 'We will show them how resilient we are.'. Brave words indeed spoken from behind a multi million dollar security cordon. Somehow I do not think the Queen nor Blair will be seen in the transit system any day soon.

I have hoped I will never see the madness we, the people have seen in WWI where waves of humanity were thrown into the meatgrinder of artillery and machine guns for the sake of ideology. Once again we see those who have chosen to go to war above and beyond other solutions hide behind the flag and walls of citadels whilst sending the people to the frontlines. Trully the history had show that we are bound to repeat it. The people of London will not be exploited by these cheap theatrics. They are no braver and no more cowardly than any other people under fire. The people of Dresden, Warsaw, Hiroshima and Tokyo have all lifted themself from the charred husks of their cities with equal determination. They get up and go not because of pandering words from the politicians by because there is no other option. The trains will be ridden not because of hollow patriotism but because bills have to be paid and to lie down is to die.

Already some of the solutions suggested to prevent future bombings are continuous email and phone monitoring. More surveilance will bring more security. More war will bring more peace. More fornication will bring less pregnancies.

Are we winning this war on terror when $253.43 in explosives and timers strikes unanounced in the heart of a military multibillion dollar giant? Note to intelligence agencies, if the dollar figure happens to be right, for the love of god, don't haul me in as 'an enemy combatant' its just a guess.

Is it perhaps too premature to start thinking that this 'War on Terror' might be the last where the military was used. Can war be peace? A perfect enemy that is, the terrorist. An enemy that can never be defeated. For as long as there is one man who wills us ill out there, we have a legitimate enemy. Each bomb that we drop that blows up 'enemy compound' and 'terrorist safehouse' cuts off one head of the hydra beast and in its place sprout two more. Like a legendary beast, each strike caues more enemies not less. Those who witnessing the death and destruction that we have wrought in the name of our idea of what is right can not help but be moved to hatered.
The same emotions flowing through the veins of Londoners wiping the remains of their brethern off the walls. Violence begets violence.

We can never defeat them with weapons of destruction. We can defeat them with intelligence. Intelligence which is more than ephemism for new brand of chains not wrought from iron but woven from fiberoptics and copper of communication circuits.

Let us focus on the good that might come out of the tragedy.
More people might wake up and realise that this war, like all the wars before it is causing the rich to grow richer and the poor to be chewed up and spat out by the beast of ideology of either side.
We are but chesspieces and we are not even sure when the rules of the game changed.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

JUST TENSE.

I have written two pieces that follow this post. Both, a fiction from twenty years in the future. One future the world as I would like to see develop, lifting humanity way above the binds of gravity. The other world, one I am anxious we might see if we succumb to fear. In reality, we shall see a mixture of both, of this I have no doubt. Wonderful advancements in technology and human spirt, together with abominations thrust upon us that only come from the will of some men to enslave others for their ideology du-jour.

Speaking of JUST.
The poor girl Chapelle Corby our media keeps referring to as 'a convicted drug smuggler' is due for the Indonesia Supreme Court Re-trial. As an aside, the media might as well call her 'The Supreme queen of Venus and inner solar system'. Both terms hold as much validity but the latter will make her feel good about herself rather than feeling like a condemned criminal. However, we must have faith in the Indonesian Court system. When oiled properly, the wheels of justice turn well.
Just how well is evidenced by the case of Tommys Sahatos (the son of ex ruler of Indonesia) receiving the grand total of 2 years in Jail for ordering the murder of a Supreme Court judge. (Reference).

So lets not hear a word about how biased and unjust Indonesian legal system is.

Ordering a murder of a Supreme Court judge penalty: 2 years in jail where one keeps tropical fish in ones cell and has food delivered by Jetboat from the mainland.

On the other hand smuggling drugs in the wrong direction, into the country which exports drugs,(Ie: Smuggling Ice to the Antartic), 20 years in a roach infested cell.

Its time to stop pretending that Corby is going to get a fair trail.
In the wise words of our Prime Minister Mr. Howard.
"We must let the legal processes of the country take place."
Stop this charade, pay $20,000 and Chapelle will get out of the jail with an apology.

The Government knows the legal system in Indonesia is corrupt, Indonesians know their system is corrupt. Everyone knows that the way to do business in Indonesia is to pay bribes. Lets get Chapelle free and pay up.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

TENSE: FUTURE NOIR

Dateline: The 1st July 2025.

For Freedom!
Attention Civilians!
This is Colonel John Veritas with another hourly missive from the Communication and Justice Office of the Free Provisional Governing Corporation. On the hour, every hour with the information you know you need to obey.

Before the bulletins, our usual notices:
The following cities are declared temporary terrorist heavens with the necessary and short suspension of civil liberties, For Freedom. [HTTP Error: Link list too long for format].

The Asian and North american fallout cloud patterns are minimal but be advised to carry a NBC suit with your civilian uniform in a case of rain.


Now to glorious news:
For Freedom!

Our heroic defenders of freedom are facing decreasing resistance from the terrorists, freedom hating evildoers on all fronts. Your support is necessary and will be noted.

Food rationing for Victory!
Our freedom fighters in the field need your help. The usual protein block ration has been reduced by 20% to all non-essential civilians with changes extending to previously quaranteened families of combat personel. Global resource allocator Tsar Ron Wolfen said in his weekly speech to the freedom assembly; "The enemies of freedom are all around us, they need not carry a gun. Our heroic defenders of freedom need bullets. But they also need food. Each extra protein bar can be used to either make you fat, or it can be used to carry our hero through to another day. So look into the mirror, you may be doing the enemies work each time you eat food that our heroes might use better! These new changes ensure more food where it counts, at the fronts of freedom rather than your fat backsides! For Freedom!".
This pronouncement was greeted enthusiastically by the assembled freedom delegates with applause, cheers and stamping of feet.
The announcement was followed by a spontaneous rally outside of the Freedom chambers by the Elderly. The Elderly seniors brought their surplus protein bars to give to our boys and girls at the fronts. The words from Sam Smithfield one of the civilians gathered are typical of the sentiments of the elderly "We dont need to eat as much. All I do is weave parachutes for air drops, anyone can do that. I dont need to be fat for that. Our Heroic freedom defenders can have my protein bar! For Freedom!"

The European freedom front is pushing the forces of Old europe back. With every airstrike the enemy is cowering and running. The cowardly evildoers are using women and children to defend the military installations masked as civilian installations. This deception does not fool our heroes. Such tactics are expected by our freedom defenders and had failed it the past. The enemy compounds turned to smoking ruin in Sudan, Alabama, Great Britain, Ohio, Indonesia, Minessota, New South Wales, all battlefields that will resound with the cries of our victorious freedom defenders.
For Freedom!

The success of the South American freedom front is now assured. Our forces are myriad and are no longer needed to retake the area since The Chief declared the Southerners to be beyond freedom. Humane nuclear tactical bombing has decapitated the freedom haters ability to terrorise the freedom loving people of the world. Our glorious freedom defenders can now reinforce the other fronts where fight for freedom must prevail.

The squinty eyed evildoers have lauched another space missile to reinforce their military space fortification. This is the last outpost in orbit of the enemies of freedom. With this last line of offence in space, the Chinese imperialist freedom haters have been barely able to inflict any casualties on the ground. The introduction of our victory weapon 'Red Freedom Rocket' human guided hero missiles our heroic pilots of the Coalition freedom airfoce can now crash into any missile lifting from China. Volunteers are far in excess of available vehicles. Another example of how the will of the people of the free world will triumph over evildoers! For Freedom!

The Siberian campaign is going to plan with our Coalition freedom forces strategicaly tying down large freedom hater armies in the snow and ice of far east. The old europe, held in an iron grasp by our might freedom fighters will soon crack its thin brittle outer shell exposing its rotten evil core.

The Email home program from all the fronts is temporarily suspended as many enemy infiltrators have been sending false messages to deceive folks back home. Civilians are reminded that forwarding any such false message by email or word of mouth consititutes a crime against national security.

The freedom camps are a popular destination to all civilians. If you are not currently working in an armament factory, mine or a recycling center you are urged to report to your nearest Justice officer to volunteer to become an active Freedom loving civilian. Freedom camps are a way for civilians to demonstrate their commitment to freedom. Roads must be repaired, glasshouses decontaminated, terrorist corpses cleaned up. Are you a freedom loving civilian or a terrorist? Demonstrate your commitment. You are either with us or against us!
For Freedom!

Please be advised. Because of the increased infiltration of our cities by the evildoer terrorists our Justice offciers have been authorised to shoot on sight at any civilian who is carrying a package or wearing bulky clothing.
Pregnant women are advised to stay indoors for freedoms sake and theirs.

House to house checks by our Freedom Militia continue with enemy combatants being uncovered in every block. Our justice is meted out swiftly. Freedom loving people of the coalition will not tolerate any dissent. Please be advised that if freedom militia has not visited your assigned quarters it is not to late to destroy any materials you might have from the old terror loving days. Books, DVDs and Data media might all mark you as a terrorist or freedom hater.
Remember: "Empty mind is a safe mind!"

Lastly, be on the lookout for any suspicious freedom hating activity.
Report any of these freedom hating acts to your nearest Justice officer or Freedom Militia.
* Three or more people gathered in a group conversation.
* People using freedom hating language (Reminiscing pre-terror war, complaining, speaking out against freedom)
* Reading, viewing or possesion of pre-terror war information materials.
* Owning a copying device (Scanner, printer, pre-terror war computer).

For Freedom!

Stay vigilant civilian!
You are either with us or against us!
Return to your assigned task.

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