Wulf's Pawprints

Stalking my voice.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

MONKEY ON THE HORN

Cathedergory: Looking for work in all the wrong places

[Joyful dance tune wakes up some of my cow-orkers]

MONKEY: O'Hai Mr.Fierce, you have recently applied for the role of a Nuclear Scientist with us, is it ok to talk?

ME: Hai, one sec, let me wonder into the broom cupboard so I don't wake the retiries and retards here, they get angry and grimace at me if I wake them up from their 'before the go home time' nap (Working in Public Service atm)

MONKEY: I'm just going to pre-screen you for this role.

ME: Really? You? You barely sound out of your teens, maybe we should talk about who that bloke from 'Entourage' is dating, or what shampoo brand I'm using. No seriously, how the fuck you would be qualified? Oh thats right, 'Behavioural Interview Techniques'... ok do your worst.

MONKEY: So did you do Nuclear Scienticism before?

ME: Er... No, actually, you got me there, Its my hobby, applying for jobs I have no clue about, ruining my professional reputation and then trying to find a job in this shoe-box town. No wait, I'm just kidding.
Of course I did the fucking Nuclear Scienticism before, wait, by nuclear Scienticism do you mean what most people mean when they ask this question, the "Nookular Saintifism" or the actuall honest to god, there is only 3 blokes in this godforsaken hole of a provincial, arse end of planet pit town that would even be remotely able to count the quarks if Nuclear Science sat on your face and wiggled enthusiastically.

MONKEY: It's the other one...

ME: Ok, lucky for you have some notes there. You have absolutely no clue what the sounds coming out of your mouth mean. Do you?

MONKEY: I need to know how you actually have done Nuclear Science before.

ME: ...

ME: You want me to tell you how I did Nuclear Science?

MONKEY: Yes. Tell me, from the beginning.

ME: Ok... you know how the Ancient Greeks thought the world was composed of small indivisible particles called atoms? They were wrong, they are actually divisible, some of them iteratively into smaller and smaller particles, each having wacky properties. Presently we believe that the smallest parts are superstrings which have the interesting property of wafting in and out of our universe, cool eh? In fact, most are not particles as such, more like fields of probability but lets not split Higgs bosons [CHUCKLE CHUCKLE]...

MONKEY: On to the next question...

ME: Wait... I just started....[summarising 10 years of work into one sentence with the dreadful realisation that it does not matter an iota] ...AND THATS HOW I DEVELOPED A SELF SUSTAINING FUSION REACTION WITH JUST SOME MOUTHWASH AND MATCHES!

MONKEY: So... have you done any coal oven cleaning?

ME: But did not you say, 'Nuclear Science' before?

MONKEY: Coal oven cleaning.

ME: Sure, Ive cleaned fusion piles reducing the risk of radioactive contaminants entering the biosphere... organising transportation convoys to storage and disposal facilities (a.k.a. A third world country). Yeah sure, I CAN clean a mere coal oven... Fuck, if it's going to stave off starvation and keep the roof over my head, I WAS FUCKING BORN TO CLEAN OVENS! LOVE THEM THE BLACK FUCKERS! I ONCE MADE LOVE TO A COAL FUCKING OVEN TILL MY DICK TURNED PURPLE!!!! FUCK LOVE THE BITCHES! YEAH!
But I thought you said it was a Nuclear Science Jo...

MONKEY: Ok, thank you, we may contact you if you need more information.

ME: Oh God, NOW I remember, you're the firm I couldn't figure out before why of all the recruiter firms in town never gave me an interview. You employ all the cute, dumb ones in your Admin team, don't you? Hullo? Hullo?

Ah, well, fuck them, when my contract expires and I can't find another Nuclear Scientist position, I'm going to sell my body on the streets again.
Good pay, but my arse hurt all the time.

Five dolla sailor? Sukie Sukie?

Lol, I'm just kidding. I'll do what I did before I found my current scam.
Black market freelance organ transplant harvesting. Igor says he misses, me.
Apparently no one can supply healthy kidneys as quickly as I can.
That or I'll go into Politics... Nah... I do have SOME self respect.

P.S. Human resource recruiters will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. Mark my words.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha - bloomin' monkeys!

10:26 PM  
Blogger Ms Smack said...

Wulfy :)

Hi! Thanks for stopping by my old blog. I was pleasantly surprised to see you!

I hope you're doing well, are you? You seem to be your normal quirky eccentric bright self!

Merry Christmas.
Cath
x

6:41 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home