THE FLAWLESS JOB INTERVIEW

Recently I have found myself in a position where I am whoring my body for financial gain. A practice made acceptable by the euphemism 'Looking for employment'. I am researching this subject to accelerate my re-entry into the ranks of the living. This artform as far as can establish at this early stage in my downwardly mobile lifestyle involves assurances of the mastery of basic personal hygene coupled with evidence of ability to not pilfer office stationary supplies nor make the people presently employed there look like the incompetent unemployables that they really are.

To this end, I have prepared an interview script that is sure to garner me the recognition I so deeply deserve.

Q: Why did you decide to apply for this position?

Principally because though I have made a concerted effort to develop a liking for Home Brand cat food and stale bread from the supermarket dumpster my stomach is trying to assasinate me by the means of foul regurgitation at the meal times.

Q: What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My strenghts are an as follows; exemplary ability to bullshit. I rock at doing jack shit whilst looking extremely productive. I can knock off 3 cones of weed and a pint of beer at lunchtime and you would not be able to tell at the after lunch meeting. As to my weaknesses, I'd be a dumb shit if I tell you, would't I? Even assuming I tell you enough bullshit for you to give me this piss ant job, you will use that information against me as soon as you possibly can to make yourself look good/cover your own fuckup.

Q: How are you qualified for this position?

Right. For you to ask me this question shows that like everyone else, you do not believe a word I have written on my Resume. Well, to cut a long story short, I can roll a mean joint, have the ability to procure consumer quantities of recreational drugs without being arrested, hotwire a car and bed a chick on the first date. In case these important and in my view cruicial criteria do not convince you of my suitability for this as you call it, position, I have other commercial skills.
Amongst these I count the ability to use creative accounting to cover unauthorised financial transactions, an uncanny ability to use office gossip to build my power base as well as use my links to the criminal underworld to cover the few office scenarios where my wit and skills fail and I need to cause grevious bodily harm to my cow-orkers or hide bodies.

Q: How would you describe your leadership style?

I let my previous accomplishments speak for themselves. Around my neck, I wear a necklace of dried earlobes of my previous cow-orkers who have crossed me in the past. Let it not be said though that I am an unreasonable man! Examine each earlobe. See? Each earlobe has a bite mark missing. You get one fair warning!
Just do as I say and you will be fine mate!

Q: How would you rate your communication skills?

Though my throat is full of bile as I try not to vomit looking at your repulsive, remedial education spawned face, I am able to maintain a superior smirk. A sign of my vastly superior intellect and a self control.
Specifically, I inspire obedience and submission in subordinates and the laughably termed 'superiors' with communicating my intention to cause grevious bodily harm. Though usually this is not necessary since I make thinly veiled allusions to revealing their deep personal secrets I acquire via a sophisicated personal intelligence network of cameras, microphones and personal observation after hours.

Q: What appeals to you about this position?

The receptionist. Big arse and big boobs. Yeah, I wanna do her. Sweet piece of arse.
Also, I recon I can lie low here for a couple of weeks until they stop looking for me after I umm... quit my last job.

Q: Why did you leave your previous employment?

Next question please.

Q: Do you plan to continue your education?

Yeah, sure. There are still some positions I havn't tried. Must get that special seat with the suspension rig. I also hear most drugs can be made legal by subtly altering their molecular structure. You have a chemistry R&D department don't you?

Q: What motivates you?

Large, heavy to lift sacks of unserialised bank notes.
Expectation of exotic sexual favours.
Also, if I can make my cow-orkers look like the clowns they really are, I will go that extra mile out of my way.

Q: Where do you see yourself in a years time?

Doing your job. I can tell just looking at you that you're not going to last a round against me of a friendly discussion we are going to have in the stationary store room.

Q: What experience did you have in using computers?

I know porn sites that would singe your store-room's staff eyebrows.
I know how to fake email so it looks like it came from someone else and I can hack your accounting system. I can also break a computer with a paper clip so I can get it upgraded before the next 10 year cycle.

Q: Describe a situation that put you under preassure, how did you respond?

I'm frosty man!
Nothing stresses me out. I cause stress in others.

Q: Describe how you prioritise assignments?

Well, the first step is to determine where I can gain most whilst doing the least.
If I have to do anything that can be generously termed 'work'. I push it onto my dumber cow-orkers. Second priority is whether any gains can be deposited into an offshore account. Third, is whether any wetwork is necessary.
I tend to delegate that because blood is shit hard to get out of clothing.

Q: Why do you think this firm should entrust you with this position?

Lets face it, you do not have much choice.
Relax man, what I mean is, no one would really want to work in this dead end, mind numbing, shit shoveling job. Would they? Not given the starvation wage you pay, the exploitative conditions and the depressive compulsive obsessive bastards working here.

Q: What are your three favourite books?

The white pages. Because its so versitile.
The horse racing almanach. Can't make a bet without it.
My little black book, it has served me well to remind me of people I need to sort out.

DISCLAIMER: The above is all fiction. I have never attended a job interview nor do I ever intend attending one. In fact, I have never worked. This is true. I may not even exist though that may be just a figment of my own imagination.