PM TESTIMONY IN FRONT OF THE AWB ENQUIRY.

Category: Circus

Having a direct pipeline to God, his earthly minions and a bottle of grog I am now in position to bring my two readers the testimony by the right honorable PM John Howard on the AWB (Australian Wheat Board) bribes to Iraq scandal.

The PM has put his sworn testimony in front of the enquiry today and it is my pleasure to bring you his explosive testimony.
The enquiry is conducted by Justice Cole. John Howard uni classmate.

Guy Howard went to school with: "Thank you Mr. Howard for appearing in front of this enquiry."

PM: "No, no! Thank you! We promised to be entirely open, this is why I am here."

The guy Howard went to school with: "Mr. Howard, it is alleded that there were a number of diplomatic cables and dispatches that AWB was paying bribes to Saddam Hussain."

PM: "Saddam had Weapons of Mass Destruction!"

The guy Howard went to school with: "Yes, thank you. Thats not the question however."

PM: "Err...yes... Labour would have paid the bribes too if they were in power. Not that we paid bribes, nor Labour will EVER be in power again. EVER!"

The guy Howard went to school with: "To the question at hand..."

PM: "Yes... No one told me about these dispatches."

The guy Howard went to school with: "So you have not seen the documents?"

PM: "No, I avoid seeing any documents. In case of exactly such a fuck up."

The guy Howard went to school with: "And you were not advised by your staff of advisors nor ministers that bribery was taking place?"

PM: "The terrorists are gonna get ya!"

The guy Howard went to school with: "I think that's exactly the question. The government was saying at the time that Iraq was supporting terrorism and we were paying them bribes to buy our wheat."

PM: "No one told me about that!"

The guy Howard went to school with: "Mr. Howard, are you saying you have not read your routine dispatches that you are expected to read, nor did your staff?"

PM: "I have told my staff in no uncertain terms 'Any items that could possibly be construed as containing any smidgen of information are not to be submitted to my attention.'. I am an ideologue. My decisions are based on my omnipotence and selfrightousness. I can not allow important decisions like running a country to be influenced by facts and figures!"

The guy Howard went to school with: "Mr. Howard, are you saying that you are running the great nation of Australia with no heed of the true state of the world?"

PM: "Facts are open to interpretation."

The guy Howard went to school with: "In summary, you have never seen any information what so ever at any time in your priministership?"

PM: "Thats right. In fact I discourage reading any documents by any of my staff. Less work you see."

The guy Howard went to school with: "Thank you Mr. Howard for this incisive and revealing information."

PM: "Lets have a glass of imported Merlot mate."